Finding God

I was born Muslim, but my Islam was always borrowed, I've never had an original bone in me, if you know what I mean.

I'm not an atheist, not a Muslim, somehow, I'm not even completely a human. 

I want to feel God the same way a mother feels her baby inside her guts without being able to actually touch it or see it.

I'm holding my breath now, trying to remember the only voice that comes within me, the only voice I have been hearing alone when I was all curled up in my mother's womb before the other envenomed voices invade my little squeezy brain. 

I'm looking for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.